Red Ribbon Rhapsody
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Yoshimi Sujiyama's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, February 26th, 2007 | | 3:21 am |
| | Sunday, February 18th, 2007 | | 7:12 am |
I Have Seven Incredibly Frightening Words For You.
My Mother Has Been Diagnosed With Cancer. She has a tumor in her colon. She's going to have to go through with kemo to try to shrink it, and they're going to try to remove it. I'm very, very afraid. I don't want her to go away. Ever. Mum is eternallll. ....Right? ;-; Current Mood:  Afraid | | Thursday, February 8th, 2007 | | 7:07 pm |
It happened again. I can't handle right now. I want to sleep. I want to go to sleep. My arms are burning again. | | Wednesday, January 24th, 2007 | | 11:16 am |
Kuwah Kuwah kuwah<3
 It's true! xD I am squeeable today kuwah! Mum and I went and got our eyes checked, and in 2-3 months, we'll have our glasses x3 Not much to say right now though~ happy today~ Current Mood:  cheerful | | Thursday, January 18th, 2007 | | 9:44 pm |
What if I'm right..?
I bet if I didn't talk to you, You'd never even think of me. All you ever do is reply. I am an obligation. I hate myself for it, I've done it again. I am nothing, in your eyes, same as fucking mine. Current Mood: depressed | | Sunday, January 7th, 2007 | | 3:14 am |
| | Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007 | | 2:52 pm |
Saying My Name..It Sounds Sweet...(Long Entry, Don't Bother Reading It)
Lol. I'm not really in a good state of mind. I've got to accept my life for how it is, and I don't want to. I'm fighting it every step of the way, and it's only making me depressed. Okay, so I'm kind of a boring friend/girlfriend/person. Anything to anyone, everyone's sick of me. Bein depressed all the time is boring everyone around me. I'm no fun anymore. Can't even hold a decent conversation. I'm going to end up in night school. We went to the school yesterday to try to get me enrolled. They're giving us 7 stages of hell, and I'm not even sure if I want to go anymore. 90% of the student body consists of 'gangstas'. I'm probably going to end up going to night school, even if they accept me for day school, which they probably aren't anyway. My family's state isn't going to magically get better. Mum's probably going to be sick for much longer, Tim's still going to be as lazy as he can be, and I'm going to be lazy as well, hiding behind this attempt to do something and go to school. (But I'll probably fail at it anyway, then I'll be shoved in the same category as Tim as if I never tried at all.) Last person I want to be like is Tim. Sometimes it seems incredibly hopeless. I lose myself in the moment and I end up breaking under the stress. I know there are people worse off than I am. And with that thought in my mind I feel guilty for being depressed. Guilty and selfish, actually. I don't like self pity. It makes me sick to my stomach when I start to be sad. Being sad is like a dirty secret. I don't like to tell anyone because it makes me feel selfish. When it gets to its worst stages, I can't even bring myself to tell Alex. Even so, I try to limit how much I tell Alex because of this fear of sadness thing. If I tell Alex that I am sad, I will drive Alex away. It'd drive anyone away, probably even God. So I get to write here in my LJ, and I feel that sometimes if someone reads this, they might understand. Or they'll criticize me or something. It doesn't matter. Not enough people even read this, so I don't need to worry about it too much. I worry a lot for my Mum. The only time her bloodsugar has been under 300 was after twelve hours of not eating. We have no income, and she's been handed this ridiculous new diet to help lower her bloodsugar. Foodstamps is giving us hell, Nobody will claim my mother is disabled and can't work, but she can't lift, and she can't fill out a form, nevermind count and think straight. Between getting hurt at work and the diabetes hitting her harder than a mallet, she is disabled. She cannot work. She just can't, she would probably collapse. But she can't bring the workman's comp-related issues to the same doctors as the diabetes treatment doctors, because they're not allowed to be combined. Masshealth will pay for doctors visits and medicine, but not for workman's comp issues. So masshealth covers the Diabetes problems (even though her recovery is grusomely slow, if at all, it's almost completely destroyed her vision and reasonable thinking) and the Insurance company refuses to cover the workman's comp thing, but our Lawyer tells her not to go back to work (as if she could) And we haven't heard from him for a few weeks. So the insurance company has cut us off, saying she should go back to work (even though she is still in serious pain). The whole mess is just stressful and retarded. I'm not sure what's going to happen next, really. Life needs a 'get better' pill. Current Mood: depressed | | Monday, December 25th, 2006 | | 10:21 pm |
Merry Fucking Christmas
I was on a roll. I was happy and smiley and cheery all day. I panicked a bit when we where cooking, but regardless, I had been doing pretty okay. My brother and I switched dishes for laundry the other day. I can't remember if I'd said anything about it. But we had this nice turkey dinner for Christmas, and apparently he refused to do the dishes from it, because my mom was washing them. (She shouldn't fucking have to.) I was supposed to be putting stuff away, and I think I made mum mad. We were out of bags, and I was wrapping stuff in tinfoil. But we're running low on tinfoil, so she got angry. Now she's in the other room and I can't reme,ber what happened but I feel very, very sad. I'm very thirsty. =( Current Mood: depressed | | Friday, December 22nd, 2006 | | 11:32 pm |
Abandon Ship
I need to get away. I just need to make myself dissapear. I don't know. I really don't know. I'm going to sleep. I'm sorry guys. I'm really, really sorry. Current Mood: depressed | | 1:05 am |
We've Never Been So Many...And We've Never Been....So Alone..
Well, here's the scoop. The night poison is coming back again. And it's coming on very strongly. This is about the 5th night all week that I've just felt like I wanna crawl into a ball and keel over. I have problems sleeping again, I had a very frightening nightmare last night, and when I get to sleep, I don't feel any motivation to wake up. It's not a happy feeling. I feel very alone and I feel very bored and tired all the time. I'm unhappy at the end of the day. During the day I can hide it easily, but at night, all hell breaks loose in my mind and I collapse. I really hope this feelings leaves me soon. Ne tishapa'i hopashahi hisokai Ne'baba tisha isonega inenaha neke nei mayhaiga wahakababase takati. Current Mood: depressed | | Thursday, December 14th, 2006 | | 10:26 pm |
Goodnight ~
I'm still all happy today, too, kuwah~ I'm all cuddly and snuggly and warm feeling. It's really lovely<3 I bid Alex goodnight early today, but I am assured I will meet him soon in my dreams, nyaa~ It is a beautiful night <3 Oh! I stumbled upon a very silly website. But the backround music is just too beautiful. So I recorded it since my recording thingie is retarded and only records the noise that comes out of my speakers~ http://www.globalorgasm.org/Very silly website. Very hypnotizing song. I think I will fall asleep to it on loop tonight~ And dream of Alex~ Kwaaa, what a happy night<3 Mucho loev, ya'll<3 Specially Alex <3 Current Mood: happy | | Wednesday, December 13th, 2006 | | 9:09 pm |
Kuwah~
I am in such a happy mood tonight~ Very sleepy~ BUt so happy tonight~ I feel like snuggling and being all warm and cuddly and happy and squee, I'm just happy tonight~ I love Alex. Didja know that?~ I did~ and I so do~ nyaa, I'ma get some sleep now~ Kuwah, goodnight everyone~ Current Mood: happy | | 3:30 am |
Mander : Are you Feeling Air-headed? Mum : You mean Light Headed? Air headed... xD
I'm feeling a lot better than I was earlier. Everything was getting to me, and I was stressing out quite a bit =( I told Alex how I was feeling, and you know what happened? He cheered me up. He's very good at that, you know. It makes me wonder why I don't tell him when I'm upset more often, because he always seems to make it go away. I had a dream the other night. I can't remember it very well except for one part. I was sitting with Alex, and his cheek brushed mine. I can still feel that. Quite a dream, I must say xD But yes. I'm in a rather okie dokie mood right now. Mum's got an appointment tommorow morning, and I can't get to sleep. Neither can she. xD So I think we're gonna stay up. I fell asleep for like half an hour while I was doing dishes, but I fell asleep flat on my back. So when I woke up, it hurt so bad I couldn't move. Took about 15 minutes to be able to crawl to the bathroom and such. It's still screaming at me, and I still have dishes to do. I drew a pretty picture, though!  Just thought I'd share xD Mucho Loev, I'ma get some sleep. Love you Alex <3 Current Mood: cheerful | | Tuesday, December 12th, 2006 | | 6:33 pm |
Why Do You Get Up When The Phone Rings
I don't like today. I don't like yesterday. I don't think tommorow's gonna be any good either. Last night, Alex and I did stuff for the first time in a bit of a while. I don't know, though. I kinda felt like he was only doing it as an obligation. It actually made me feel rather...blech. I still feel blech, actually! Sure as fuck don't feel like I'm worth anything. Or even wanted anywhere. Tim's in the kitchen sighing in front of his dinner plate because HEAVEN FOR FUCKING BID I MAKE ANYTHING HE LIKES. He hates all of my cooking, I swear. Hates food in general, I'm guessing. Doesn't like a damn thing. Most picky eater I've ever seen. I just feel really bad today. Like some kind of loser who can't keep her head on straight. I don't feel atractive or even not-boring to Alex, I don't feel like a kickass person to myself, I can't even cook supper right for my family. (Never can, I always fuck it all up.) I just feel really worthless. If a cowardly end was somewhere in my life, it'd certainly be during one of these moods. =| Current Mood: worthless | | Monday, December 11th, 2006 | | 6:12 pm |
It's Not Anyone's Business.
Have you ever wondered sometimes about things that never happened? Like.. What if. It's a common phrase, but you can apply it to anything and everything. It can cause worry, joy, a rollercoaster of sentiments all lie at the end of any question that begin with those two little words. And it's not as if anyone's going to tell you what's going to happen or not, either. Today has left me somewhat broken-hearted, and it's nobody's fault. (Relax, Alex and I are still together. He even tried cheering me up, even made me smile ^^) At the moment, My mother and my boyfriend are fighting. About something or other, I think about a loan of some sort. Regardless, it's tearing me up. Although I know they'll probably be fine soon, those two damn words are at the tip of my tounge. "What if" I am not happy today. One of those moods where I feel I won't be happy for a long, long time. (whether or not I wil be happy tommorow, a month from now, or even half an hour from now is not out of the question though, even if I feel horrible at the moment.) Current Mood: depressed | | Saturday, December 9th, 2006 | | 5:24 am |
It's been a long time since I've updated.
A Lot of things have happened. Hell if I remember what any o them are. Alex and I are still together, I'm still crazy about him, although I'm getting those stupid 'what if' paranoia feelings again. Brain is still broken. Moods are still swinging like a monkey in a jungle gym. Rose doesn't hate me like I was convinced she did. Still best friends with Stormy. Lots of music. New computer. Sexy-ass thing. No more timegaps. Hard to draw with the new machine, though. Haven't drawn much lately. My sleeping patterns are off the charts, I'm almost sleeping through the day. I'm having strange, scary dreams. House was cold. Fuel assistance helped. Now it's not. Mum is very, very, very sick. We got new healthcare. It's only been a few days since mum went to the doctor. She's still kinda deteriorating. It's diabetes, so hopefully it'll be fixed and under control soon. Bloodsugar was over 572 Normal is like 82-108 or something. We're all depressed around here lately. Mum, Tim, Me. Eh. I feel less open to anyone than I've been for a long while. I used to crave telling someone I was upset, I'd tell them, they'd listen, and I'd feel better. But lately I've been trying to kinda ignore it and push it away and shut the fuck up. It isn't helping. Kimera kun and I fought. Then we made up. Then I think we fought again. Then made up again. He's still one of my best friends, but hot damn i wish we'd stop fighting so much. But it's usually my fault anyway, so if I want the random fighting to stop, I'll just have to become a better Amanda. Alex and I got married again today on RO. Huntress and Bard. It was really fun. He rocks my socks. I'm so tired. I can't sleep too well. I'm gonna try to, though. So ends my update. Hopefully I'll update more often from now on. Current Mood:  blah | | Saturday, September 30th, 2006 | | 3:10 am |
[ DEOI ] [ 5 ]
XD! Yes~ I skipped last night~ and almost tonight too! I'm all smiley again, warm and fuzzy and happy and snuggly and calm and happy~ Nyaa~ I don't have too much to say~ I'm just happy and sleepy and I wanna get some sleep now~ Night night ya'll~ I love you Alex~ Squee~ Current Mood: happy | | Thursday, September 28th, 2006 | | 6:21 pm |
[ DEOI ] [ 4 ]
Back again! I didn't update last night because I stayed up really late playing with my new Taekwon character on RO. I'm worried about Alex. Some house inspector guy thingie said they couldn't have a stove in their kitchen. They might have to move, and even if they don't, Alex likes cooking cool stuff. I can only imagine how much it sucks...I'm just worried, is all. I still haven't mailed Alex's letter, and guilt is piling on because of it. I have the 'I miss Alex' feeling right now, but that doesn't mean too much...I miss Alex 5 minutes after he goes anywhere anyway xD I'm just getting weird and stuff. Anyway, I'm having so much fun with my Taekwon, although she's built so....I winged it completely. xDD I love her <3 I don't have too much to say right now, I'm just kinda not really in the mood. Current Mood: blank | | Wednesday, September 27th, 2006 | | 12:45 am |
[ DEOI ] [ 3 ]
XD! Did you know if you hit the enter key while typing the title of a LJ entry, it tries to post the entry then yells at you saying "Error! Must provide ext!" XD! I'm all happy and smiley tonight! XD I was really upset earlier, but I told Alex, and I swear to god that boy is magic. He's very talented at comforting~ He makes everything alright. It's really lovely<3 Tyrell told me the other day that one of the reasons we broke up was because of me being sad all the time. He felt he wasn't able to make me happy anymore, so he decided it should be over and done with. So of course he decides he should tell me that. And the random 'I don't know why I'm sad' night poison now makes me kinda freaked out, too. Paranoia, is I think the word for it. But I told Alex, and he held me and talked to me and made me feel better. Alex has a home inspecty thingy tommorow for something or other with a stove, and if he doesn't pass, he may have to move =( I really hope it goes okay. I'd feel so sad if he had to move..But if he's gotta move cause of the house thingy, there's not really much he can do. I just pray it turns out okie dokies. Cross your fingers<3 Today was a boring day! I woke up and I ahtted wit Alex a bit, but then I was out in the kitchen for something or other when he had to go to work. I chatted with Ryurai some, went through about 200 of my screenshots (only 320 to go!), watched a movie thingie with Timmers, Mum missed her appointment this morning by accident, she got the time all mixed up, so we didn't go (and I didn't get to see Tamali..) I finished Alex's letter the other day, but to mail it to him...to mail a letter, you pin it to the mailbox with some stamps on it, and the mailman takes it away. But..Alex wants it taken to the post office so it gets there faster. I do't mind the getting it o him faster thing at all, but something about the price bugs me. Maybe I'm just a miser. But it's not boding well with mum, cause it's like 10$. And of course I don't have 10$...so if we mail it that way..I have to use HER 10$...and 10$ can buy like...stuff. But...I'm sure I'll figure something out. Alex said it takes something like 3 weeks for it to get to him normally, and I can't believe that x_x 3 weeks? That's gotta be exxagerated! Right? I don't know...I'll figure something out. But I don't really wanna bug Alex with it...I mean..he did the same for me..so...Yeah. I'll figure something out. He deserves his letter, dammit, I've made him wait long enough for it. ._. !! I just realized how quiet my room is. I need musicccc. -Turns on radio- Mucho love ya'll, I'ma get some sleep! PS - Kaia! I saw yer comment! Long time no see, I'm really glad to hear from you! ^O^! Current Mood: happy | | Tuesday, September 26th, 2006 | | 12:59 am |
[ DEOI ] [ 2 ]
Me again! I'm in a pretty okie dokies mood tonight! Mum got me the 2nd Eragon book, I'm way at the beginning of reading it. Target didn't have it in paperback, so she was nice and lemme get it in hardcover =o I can't wait to read it! squee~ Today was incredibly uneventful. I watched the first dvd out of 4 of the first season of 'My name is Earl' I fscking love that show. I watched it in Mum's room with mum and Timmers. Mum and Charlie went through all sorts of hell to get the dvd player to work in mum's room. I've been kinda mellow all day, though. Happy thoughts here and there makin' m smile, but overall, kinda neutral. Not a bad thing, just kinda weird. I drew a really pretty picture today! I'm all proud of it since I'm having problems adjusting to this new mouse. Alex made up this race of people, and I drew what I thought of when he described it.  ta da! She has no name, but I really like how she came out. Aside from the hands, of course. I need to work on hands. I've been having touble sleeping since the creepy incident the other day. I can't sleep with my lights off. I can't look at the entire half of my room when I'm trying to get to sleep, which makes it rather uncofortable to turn over. I'm just really kinda afraid. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I imagine Alex comforting me, which is a relazing thought, but nonetheless it's little protection if anything is actually in my room. It's just been taking me longer to get to sleep than usual. I'm listening to my GC CD that Sami sent me, and parts of it keep going quiet than louder throughout the song, and one part of the song was..kinda morphed. Billy makes a certain sound effect with his guitar, and it's like..one of my favorite points int he song, i know it by heart...but this time it was out of beat, out of place, and just int he wrong place in the song. Maybe it's ust my imagination. I think too much. xD But it does scare me.. Well, gonna go update my ROD. Mucho love ya'll <3 Current Mood: okay |
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